30.12.10

筆記:性、愛與生存

挪威的森林,可能就是一個迷宮。電影內的人走不出來,看電影的人也走不進去。

失去所愛,愛人的能力也一併掉失了。
心裡強烈的空虛只得再找個人來填滿,剩下的只有性。渡邊的陽具,也就成為了治療工具,陪伴了直子最後的日子, 也為與丈夫分別七年的玲子燃點了重新覓愛的希望。

另一個男人
永澤的陽具,則從來只是為自己而生存, 流連於不同女人之間。唯一真心痴戀自己的初美也就只像一塊從無處飛來的膠布,甚至沒有動手揭開過就自動剝落了。

如果性是愛的至極肉體結合,而愛是性的終極昇華;
那麼在這個森林裡面,也應該並不存在?直子與木月如此相愛,卻從來沒有成功過渡到性的階段;與本來朋友關係的渡邊卻如潮漲洶湧因而內疚悔恨。玲子與丈夫在性與愛皆失落,卻在與渡邊的性交中得到救贖。

渡邊自己呢?在後來與直子、玲子的性交中,都是被動的配合。
但他可能卻是最堅強的一個,儘管他總是圍著別人轉。

與直子重遇後,二人每次見面都總是渡邊急步緊隨著直子的背後,
也如他自己說:如宗教儀式般,要治療什麼。木月朝向了死亡,直子追趕著木月而最終自殺,渡邊追趕著直子,綠則為渡邊所吸引......

及至直子死了,渡邊也終於停了下來,回頭重覓綠。
他跟不同的女人睡過,就是拒絕綠的要求。二人的這個空缺,並未由性,而重新由愛來填補。

最後的一幕,綠隔著電話問他現在人在哪裡。他反問自己,
終於發現他一直迷失在森林裡面。但既然走出森林,決心活了下來,也就好好的愛。

(嗯,是這樣的嗎?)


(很久沒有寫字了。看過電影,草草抓來紙筆記下觀後的迷失。)

後讀
http://blog.roodo.com/non2005/archives/3721953.html


12.12.10

The encounter



androgyny.
Devil-may-care boyish playfulness x Subtle femininity
loose-fitting tie : cascading earrings

dark purple and emerald green breakout from the monotone
greyish masculinity trimmed into length just right for flashing the desirable amount of delicate procelein

when

Angularity outlines power. Wave exudes sensuality.

atmosphère

Obsessed with Clémence Poésy speaking french all night long although having literally no idea on what she's saying. I simply like the sound of français :)

A language that greets air as masculine, whilst atmosphère as feminine. I wish I could capture the beauty of the spirit.

9.12.10

掙扎

冬天了,我再一次進入脫皮階段。這一次,好像比以往都要痛苦。午夜會痛醒,驚叫,皮膚會撕裂,精神萎靡。

但我仍然相信痊癒的一天。

5.12.10

看風景



隨意街中轉 我任意挑選
誰說的小說 那人歌的詩
風景轉換了 對白記低了
但我輕聲笑 尋新的故事了
_

4.12.10

||





Just realized that I haven't captured the sky for long while on the train this morning. When looking back on the photo now, I saw the two pair of parallel lines going together in the same direction but gazing each other from a critical distance. Not too far not too close. Nice weather has certainly made my day :)

28.11.10

關於生活選擇


月初看過紀錄片THE COVE後久未能釋懷。無力感來自明知現在生活模式或多或少會破壞自然生態,劣根性卻難改。比如當鮮活的板前魚生送到口邊一刻想起牠們其實由大量屠宰而來,你會放下還是吃下?

在社會科學堂讀到CAPITALISM是個IRON CAGE。我倒覺人心才是個IRON CAGE,堅硬閉塞,改變不易。要我在短時間皈依不可能,但就從小步開始。

於是,我開始留意(MINDFUL OF)耗用資源時的每一個選擇。飯堂外賣盒洗乾淨便可循環再用而且節省一元附加費。用百多元在STARBUCKS買了個TUMBLER,送一杯咖啡而且以後每杯飲料減三元。我婆仔的計一下發覺大概三十多次後才回本;但又覺值得,因為知道自己綠色消費的動力本來就不主要來自省錢,而是來自一種虛偽的感覺良好。但如果或多或少能微弱地作出貢獻,何妨虛偽?

25.11.10

Full/孵

My hair is in a mess and I dress like a trash. The best time are times when I throw on anything I grab and go. A cup of coffee. Morning glory. Fingers are hopping back and forth on the keyboard and mind is fleeing like those humming birds. Egg is hatching out as it meets the warm heat of the sun.
It's transforming.



Rinko Kawauchi

17.11.10



吉隆坡的高速公路無視身旁吉普賽人偷望,徑自不斷流淚,并不為什麼


















12.11.10

終於走出了世界盡頭



Rubberband's song can always make me smile, and energized :)

11.11.10

Restless

" 每逢有新發現便興奮地傻笑,同時把自己弄至筋疲力盡。累得實在動不了,便大字型躺在地上看著天空喘氣,然後爬起來又向前跑。我總是不滿足,不滿足。" - 蘭開夏道
I'm just as helpless ;)(

.
.
.
.
.
.
Fear resurface and hit you in a point the most unexpected. How about going back to the starting point? (title hijacked ;)

10.11.10

my new ♥ interests

rowing is one. wongtszwah is another ;)

5.11.10

How are you?



Suddenly realized I've been there before. How weird.

3.11.10

cozy late lunch with candy :)

26.10.10

戰鬥力100!

quote on solitude and strength

「一個人在孤獨的時候,才能看到自己內在的力量。」

18.10.10

Wish I was there


「高中考上大學的時候,早上每個同學都拿著課本慢慢的邊走路邊溫習,我將課本變成歌,一個人在操場上邊跑邊唱,朋友問我幹嗎這樣辛苦,我跟他說,我將來要開演唱會,我做到了。」

陳綺貞

16.10.10

空寂.閒寂.物哀

''美不存在於物體,而存在於物體與物體所製作的陰翳的花樣與明暗之中……離開陰翳的作用,美就消失''


http://tangz.blogbus.com/logs/27531688.html

15.10.10

( )

i start to doubt. so am i therefore paralyzed of certain function? there's obviously certain defects in my writing...

旋木/Merry.Go.Round

我忘了只能原地奔跑的那憂傷 我也忘了自己是永遠被鎖上
不管我能夠陪你有多長 至少能讓你幻想與我飛翔



9.10.10

/

dinner with family finally. my loved ones./really excited to see our freedom fighter getting the prize. conscience of China./i honestly don't think im ready and suitable atm. plz, i juz wanna escape./freaking busy though i never like to admit iit. but it worth. i wanna witness the growth of every single one of them.yes im so ready to fight./got a new roomie and feeling lucky./running out of money but spending like crazy./i wanna read hundred years of solitude./Iris Zhang, fighter for justice and symbol of individual woman, inspired.admire.a lost of world./preparing to writing my life, lagging behind though./miss my friends./when is the day i can finish all the emails./wanna run. wanna go rowing. wanna sweat. but no time. no excuse./stick with the principle: KISS. Keep it simple and stupid./tbc.

1.10.10

Daydream Nation

“Where people see boats in buckets and hear sea waves in radio glitches.
A way of life, a vow to Dream and Dare act upon it.

「在水桶中看見小船,在收音機的雜訊中聽見浪濤聲。

這是一種生活態度、對做夢的堅持和把夢實現的勇氣。」

from Daydream Nation

30.9.10

falling in love with Eric Clapton once again :)

2.9.10

旅人 獵艷






我意圖寫一篇遊記,卻發覺遊走印度的時間其實少得可憐。但再想,又覺得人也不過在世上寄居,走過的風景何嘗未爲旅程?


一路走來,發覺每個人都在經歷不同濃度的旅程。這一年來我經歷的多,一路上流失的細碎更多,就像在風暴中趕路,途中細軟不斷被風扯走掉下剝落,但爲趕路遠卻只能不顧而一直前進。


然後然後,一下抬頭,忽爾發現自己孤身站在路中央,時間停頓,我到底在趕什麽路?


印度的路都是迂回,一抹又一抹濃郁的色彩在眼前乍現又遊走,我着迷卻又怕走失。到底是因爲古國的文化底蘊,或是因爲政亂、貧富之間的駭人落差,還是Slumdog Millionaire的餘韻呢,這個地方,好像每個人都有一個色彩濃郁的故事要說,耐人尋味。我逃離了豪華酒店內人影浮動的International Congress,初次踏足這片土地走在locals之間,興高彩烈又戰戰競競。馬路上人車紛亂交錯卻運行不斷,坐在rickshaw上廢氣從各方踴進,老僂幼孩會在車停的數十秒間走過來討錢,一雙雙可憐的眼睛在身旁咫尺間用聽不懂的啐念又或ma'am, ma'am的叫著遊人,我想起不少人的忠告,不敢回頭但又不停憶起那些眼睛,久久未能釋懷。









車行數公里便到一間佛教廟宇,不情願的脫下鞋子,怕沾染灰塵卻發覺人比灰塵骯髒污穢,而且終也肉體歸塵,念及此又覺腳踏的土地感覺親切又實在。


廟是依山而建,都是由白色雲石築成。不同善信穿著大紅大紫的傳統服飾,映在深白色的雲石上,色彩更濃更深。這座雲石雕塑塔其中的空間極多,與四周樓房與天空連接。拾級而上至最頂層,一覽兩個城市的風光,鷹在飛,人心境平和。




每次旅程都會拼命睜大眼睛怕錯過一刻風光。回來,我也把自己當成遊客,重新審視這個城市,原來也是美麗得動人啊。我便想,這樣的話便會更珍惜回家。但如果家不常在,便會變成一個徹頭徹尾的過客了。人群聚散本常事,有時候甚至連說再見也來不及便彼此錯過了。這次遊歷,我經驗了人群中的寂寞,與獨處時的實在。放開與堅持的平衡,在旅遊時候原來經歷最多。

23.8.10

nite in malaysia

late nite coffee shop. netbook working. the energy is back. though physically exhausted. lovely lonely planet indeed :)

15.8.10


tracing. the mystic im mesmerized

11.8.10

where is the limit?

21.7.10

i miss krespy kreme terrbily.. where can i find such fine doughnuts again??

27.6.10

so jealous.. wanna be an athlete as well..
looks like this kind of sport is only for guys??

21.6.10

i need arguments, not cries.

15.6.10

7.6.10

i need a rehab.

2.6.10

where are all the notes i've written? i wish i could get them all back. they recorded some very important traces in certain time. all i want now is juz a pair of mary jane, dear jane, i've been waiting for u:(

20.5.10

I never realized it's May already



15.5.10

got a jet lag, and wondering why my mail box is always raining like no one but anyway let's rush to the place we both don't belong to and see how rat's doing ;)

29.4.10

that little extra



Listening to the recordings for my morning clock today, I think I need to pick up piano once again. For the coming summer maybe?


24.4.10

Quote of the day



this is brutally right
" If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude, don't Complain."


17.4.10





There's no place like home♥




13.4.10



This girl is weird.

She got even more relaxed and motivated under pressure. All she needs is food and sleep;p


6.4.10





I believe you can make it, WTL.
I got the trust in you. :-)




31.3.10

Let's jot this down before I forget;p

ENFP
Champions are introspective, cooperative, informative, and expressive. Champions have a strong desire to make their thoughts known to the world. When Champions speak or write, they are often hoping to use their convictions to motivate others to participate in advocacy or they hope to reveal a hidden truth about the human experience. Champions are greatly concerned with ethics and justice and have a strong desire to speak about current issues and events. They are the most inspiring and animated of the role variants.

Champions are very individualistic and they feel a need to experience significant social events. Champions consider intense emotional experiences to be vital to life and view the world as a drama. They are constantly seeking to learn about everything that has to do with advancement of good and the retreat of evil in the world.

Champions are keen observers of the people around them. They have exceptional intuitive abilities and are capable of intensely concentrating on a particular individual. Champions are often able to read hidden emotions and to place significance on the actions of others. Champions are constantly scanning their social environment and intriguing characters are not likely to escape their attention. Their attention is usually active rather than passive. Champions are sensitive and alert to what is possible.

Champions are warm, energetic, spontaneous, positive, exuberant and dramatic. Other individuals usually find these personality qualities to be attractive and often want to be in the company of Champions. Champions usually have good people skills and get along well with their colleagues.

Champions are slow to excitement but quick to become enthusiastic; especially in regards to social or humanitarian causes. Many champions project their intuitive and perceptive abilities out into the world and are constantly wondering about future possibilities that can improve themselves, others, or situations. This can get champions into trouble if they do not express this to others correctly; or if others or groups take suggestions from champions as criticism or as the champion telling them what to do, instead of viewing it as the offering of an idea. This can confuse champions who have not yet realized that some people do not like change, or that some people can perceive this offering of advice in regards to change as the identification of a defect. This is because champions who are not at odds with themselves typically like to improve upon themselves and their situations as new information becomes available.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Champion_%28role_variant%29


28.3.10








Stressed, but I get even stronger!














12.3.10

again



I feel like I'm living a life as a writer. A pathetic one.

Rushing deadline for poem analysis has never been so romantic until I met my exquisite Earl Grey ;)(


10.3.10

another sleepless night

Multi-tasking again.
Love/hate it when I fall into such...I don't know right now my mind is so out fo...

And this is shit, isn't it?

4.3.10

mind wandering



I thought I'm all settled down.

Why feel guilty then?


12.2.10

The poetic man who left poetically








This man had once taken me into the world of imagination and madness. I've been bewildered by his transcendence and visionary. As genius always die at young age, I thank you for the days you brought to the world and
RIP,Alexander McQueen.










17.1.10

Notes/抄書: 村上春樹獲頒耶路撒冷文學獎的演講

“Between a high, solid wall and an egg that breaks against it, I will always stand on the side of the egg.”
“在一座高大堅實的牆和與之相撞的雞蛋之間,我永遠都站在雞蛋的一側”。


“Yes, no matter how right the wall may be and how wrong the egg, I will stand with the egg. Someone else will have to decide what is right and what is wrong; perhaps time or history will do it. But if there were a novelist who, for whatever reason, wrote works standing with the wall, of what value would such works be?”
“是的,無論牆是多麽的正確,雞蛋是多麽地錯誤,我都站在雞蛋的一側。其他人可能會判斷誰是誰非,也許時間或歷史會來判斷。但是,如果一個小說家無論因何種原因站在牆的一側來創造,那麽他的作品的價值何在呢?”


“But this is not all. It carries a deeper meaning. Think of it this way. Each of us is, more or less, an egg. Each of us is a unique, irreplaceable soul enclosed in a fragile shell. This is true of me, and it is true of each of you. And each of us, to a greater or lesser degree, is confronting a high, solid wall. The wall has a name: it is “The System.” The System is supposed to protect us, but sometimes it takes on a life of its own, and then it begins to kill us and cause us to kill others–coldly, efficiently, systematically.”
“但是,並不僅僅是這些。它還有更深一層的含義,我們來這樣考慮一下,我們中的每一個人或多或少都是一個雞蛋。我們中的每一個人都是存在於一個脆弱 外殼中唯一的、不可替代的靈魂。我也一樣,對你們中的每一個人也一樣。並且,我們中的每一個人在某種程度上也面臨著一堵高大堅實的牆。這個牆有一個名字: 那就是“體制”。這個體制本來是要保護我們的,但是有時候它會呈現出它自己的一面,然後就開始殘殺我們,並使我們去殘殺他人——冷酷、有效、系統地殘殺。”

7.1.10

再寫

擱筆已久其實沒有因由。可能因為打字速度太慢,壓根兒趕不思緒的流竄; 然後觸覺漸漸遲緩,久而久之便再也不懂好好紀錄自己的心情了。

愈來愈發覺,文字是我的精神鴉片。從陌生人的文字裏徑自對號入座,我竟會找到一種釋放。重新再寫,因為陌生人一篇對擱筆的質問而心裏默默淌淚,到底為了甚麼呢?
有一夜無聊,我又一口氣把一個陌生人幾年的成長倒帶一直看。令我想起這幾年來寫字的窩不斷的在轉,很是restless。一個人一直都在同一個地方不斷的在寫,又到底是為了甚麼呢?

---
跟Jen吃飯看電影,就跟從前一樣,我們從活著的哲學談到無聊細碎,就彷一口氣把這大半年發生的事都作了個小總結。然後,我倆便會一致沈醉於自滿中慨歎自己怎可能如斯成熟,十足兩個傻人。
這半年我走過了AL,經歷過人情冷暖,進了大學,一雙腿跨在不同的世界中,一人分飾多角卻無一做得稱職。但在其中我自信了,開放了,對自己也坦白了;感覺就像正跟世界談一場戀愛,而且還是熱戀初期,感覺純粹而美好。
我跟她說,不知從何時開始迷戀上那種會把自己推向瀕臨滑落的邊緣的生活,看看自己到底可以走多遠,偷嚐一下未看過的風景。她一臉嚴肅的替我擔心,我說我不過是個平凡女子,不會走火入魔,而且用此四字也未免太嚴重了。我也不過是玩玩而已。但總之要懂得適時回頭吧,她總結說。我點頭,又唊了一口難喝的 Espresso。

---
聽過不知道是那家的智慧但我卻甚是受落,說人生正經歷所有的大小起跌也不過是處於一條循環上落的曲線的不同的位置中。此時在頂峰很可能暗示了滑落的可能;此刻在低處卻是上升的前夕。學年初義務上了系庄,發覺拒絕需要的勇氣原來比接受還要大,尤其是對著一群自己喜歡的同伴。

---
至於AIESEC,一個NLDS + 一支好玩的icx team把我推向了一個從未歷過的境地,讓我在不同人身上看到真正leader的特質,也感受到vision搭上passion的過程原來如核爆。這才懂得感恩幸好那間學沒有要我,不然整套戲劇便會少了這條線!Work in the day and party at night這種生活哲學我很喜歡,若把work也變成party便更理想了呵。

---
經歷過兩個TBC我跟詩班和團契的大家近了,卻迫我思考兩個問題,我有教會生活跟侍奉,大專的團契跟詩班的定位與意義何在呢?我此時在這裏得到滿足快樂,下一刻當初的熱情消退了,我又能否留守?

---
Wake Me Up When September Ends在大氣電波播放那時侯,我捧著收音機逐字記下歌詞然後google出它的名字,當下就已經喜歡得不得了。偶然聽到Scorpions的Wind of Change更哭得一發不可收拾,至今仍是不敢再聽。萬事萬物皆有其healing power,有一段很長的時間我indulge在聽覺之中而忘記了文字的張力,也該是時候重新let loose了。我在別人的文字裏得過慰藉,現在再寫不是單讓偶爾一兩個random people偷窺我正活著的小宇宙,更是許一個願,我也想我的文字也能多少作一劑藥,一個向父的禱告,又或是一粒糖都好。天啊,真是感性得不得了,我簡直是個living cliche!